The man was charged with causing £85 worth of damage to an Ulster Bank branch carpet and apologised for “acting out of character”. The bank were in court seeking £85 restitution. The judge told the defendant  ”I am sure they are in dire need of it and you have 20 weeks to pay” before wishing him good luck.

No mention of what drove him to empty the contents of the catheter onto the floor. 

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Eddie Hobbs writes about Anglo. 

“Looking into Anglo Irish is like trying to fathom a lousy case of national dry rot…. And worst of all - having bought the poxy thing - we don’t know if we can afford it.”

Eh, I’m not an Economist BUT I’m pretty sure we can’t afford it Eddie.

He also recommends cutting “the living daylights out of social welfare payments, education and health budgets.”  Very 007.

On the opposite page of Eddie’s wise words we get some nice graphics of what we could get for the €25bn Anglo cash infusion a la The Sunday Business Post top 100 things. 

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Julia Robers has hairy armpits!! Photographic evidence on Page 14. 

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Right night door to Julia’s beach pictures is an “Opportunity second to nun”. The Poor Clares are holding a monastic experience weekend at their Co. Carlow monastery next month to attract candidates to a six year apprenticeship. No mention of pay rates. #

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Some gobshite suffered flash burns to his head, legs and torso when he blew himself up trying to kill a spider. He sprayed the spider with an aerosol and then flicked a cigarette lighter to see if he’d killed it. The blast blew the man off his feet and lifted the attic door of its hinges. 

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Irish people have bet €5,000 on when the next volcano will blow. Paddy Power have a book open on a dozen peaks. 12/1 for Mt. Vesuvius, 28/1 for Mt. Etna, 50/1 for Yellowstone. Favourite is Galeras in Colombia at 5/4. Payout will only occur if the volcano spews out 10 million cubic metres of lava.

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Jonathan Ross is “still a ward of the Beeb” - whatever that means.

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Sing when they’re winning…

Singer Johnny B wants Tipp fans to belt these lyrics out at Croker…

“Cahir to Nenagh, they’ll agree, it’s time we took back Liam McCarthy.

For the blue, the gold and the dream, this is for the boys on Hill 16.”

etc etc. 

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Heidi Montag is looking lovely in pink on page 23 - “No Heid-ing that honker” - reference to a “strange bandage on her schnoz”. It looks like an regular plaster to me..

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3 years after the birth of her twin boys, Georgina Ahern speaks about her heartbreak at having to leaving the twins in an incubator overnight.

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6 lovely TG4 Babes are pictured on Page 25 at the launch of the station’s Autumn schedule in the new Landsdowne Road stadium. W

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Hypnotist Paul McKenna is set to buy the house Michael Jackson died in for €23m. Self help - that’s the business to be in obviously.

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A glossy magazine for women will only have “real women” throughout from now on. Essentials is shunning celebrities, models and airbrushing. 

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Ireland’s top telly guide recommends the following viewing tonight

Ben Stiller in Heartbreak Kid on RTE1 at 9.35pm

Scéal an airgid on TG4 at 9.30 pm is all about how Ireland’s economic recovery is coming along and what can be done to speed it up.

Alex Higgins - The People’s Champion on BBC2 at 9pm.

Pick of the day - Waterloo Road on BBC1 at 8pm.

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Now you’re up to date on all the important news..  Get back to work now.